Surviving by turning a blind eye
He's rapidly becoming one of the mainstays of our ever-shrinking shul. He comes to synagogue almost every Shabbat (Sabbath) and holiday that he's in town and doesn't have to work (you should pardon the expression). He comes early enough to be assigned an aliyah, and is always happy to chant a haftarah. He sponsors an occasional kiddush. He makes good suggestions at meetings. He helps without being asked. He's intelligent, with interesting things to say. He's one of maybe three members under the age of fifty, and will probably outlive most of the congregation (myself and my husband included) by at least 20 years.
There's only one problem.
He's also married to a non-Jew.
In order to survive, our shul is turning a blind eye to halachically-incorrect behavior.
I have no clue how to handle this situation. He's still a Jew, after all, and should certainly be welcome to attend services. But I'm distressed that the shul has become so dependent on a person who's not exactly a good role model.
Do I have a right to criticize, given that I'm still traveling on Shabbat and Yom Tov (major holiday), which makes me a pretty poor role model, too?
And what, exactly, is my husband, chair of the Ritual Committee and currently, for lack of a better description, rabbi-by-default, supposed to do--turn away one of the few members of the congregation who's both able and willing to help?
Wednesday, August 25, 2010 clarification:
Neither my husband nor I has ever "turned away" anyone who wished to worship in our synagogue. The issue in question is whether giving an aliyah or haftarah to a person who's intermarried is appropriate. I apologize for the belated nature of this correction.
There's only one problem.
He's also married to a non-Jew.
In order to survive, our shul is turning a blind eye to halachically-incorrect behavior.
I have no clue how to handle this situation. He's still a Jew, after all, and should certainly be welcome to attend services. But I'm distressed that the shul has become so dependent on a person who's not exactly a good role model.
Do I have a right to criticize, given that I'm still traveling on Shabbat and Yom Tov (major holiday), which makes me a pretty poor role model, too?
And what, exactly, is my husband, chair of the Ritual Committee and currently, for lack of a better description, rabbi-by-default, supposed to do--turn away one of the few members of the congregation who's both able and willing to help?
Wednesday, August 25, 2010 clarification:
Neither my husband nor I has ever "turned away" anyone who wished to worship in our synagogue. The issue in question is whether giving an aliyah or haftarah to a person who's intermarried is appropriate. I apologize for the belated nature of this correction.
posted by Shira Salamone at 6:17 PM
17 Comments:
And, aren't we supposed to be encouraging to those who are observing, and "taking on" more?
I know that the idea of "taking on" more observation is more of a Conservative or Reform idea, as opposed to one found in Orthodox circles, but, personally, why would you turn away someone who is trying to be more observant?
Just wanted to clarify that I meant "personally" as in "my personal feeling is..." rather than "what is your personal problem".
And what, exactly, is my husband, chair of the Ritual Committee and currently, for lack of a better description, rabbi-by-default, supposed to do
How about nothing? The congregation doesn't have to approve of everything every one of its members does. Unless your shul rejects everyone for honors who breaks Shabbat, eats non-kosher food, etc., there's not much you can do and not be selective.
There is some difference between simply ignoring halachically problematic bein adam lamakom (between man and God) behavior and celebrating it or having the congregation violate halacha on behalf of it. So, while you might give congregational honors to someone who's intermarried, that's different from giving the non-Jewish spouse honors or celebrating the intermarriage itself.
What Elf's DH said.
It's just not your problem. And why would you push this person away?
By the way, if you check on the USCJ website, and some related ones, I think this is the "recommended" approach. While the intent may be to discourage inter-marriage, the fact is that there are intermarried people, and they want to be part of a congregation, and maybe not a reform congregation.
This isn't even within the realm of something you should be distressed about.
...
And, you never know, the reception you give the spouse may lead her toward conversion.
But if you reject them both, you can be sure that will never happen.
And from a practical point of view, if he's the youngest of the people in the congregation, who is he a bad role model to?
Jendeis, "taking on more observation" is certainly an Orthodox Kiruv (outreach) idea, and the Lubavicher Rebbe was big on to that (a quote to the extent of do as many Mitzvos as you can today, the rest tomorrow, but I'm not sure the exact quote and if it was in Yiddish or English).
I don't think it's atypical either. Yeshiva educated intermarried men get heavily involved in a Conservative Congregation because the service is the same, but the societal expectations are night and day.
Your posts make me wonder who you think G-d is, and what you want am yisrael to be.
Halacha provide meaning and structure to our lives. I thank G-d that I have a way to relate to and make sense of the world.
But why do you spend so much time bemoaning the state of your congregation? How is that helping?
There are no idyllic synagogues, where everyone davens at your speed, and everyone shows up on time, and everyone is nice, and you get to be both the leadership and be supporter by stronger Jews.
If there was such a synagogue, Moshiach would be here, and we would have no use for halacha as it is.
If you are so tired of your problems, go to a new place and find new ones.
I understand that you may just being using your blog to vent, but it's starting to turn into "why can't everyone be as awesome as me" on a regular basis.
I'd say you do nothing. If a Jew wants to go to shul then no one should stop them from it. There are many of our people that decide to become secular, so welcoming a person to a shul whether you agree with them or not is going to help us as a people.
I'd point out that from an halachic standpoint, his intermarriage, as odious as it is, is less problematic than say, being michallel shabbat b'farhesya (publicly desecrating shabbat) by traveling on public transportation. So, perhaps you should give up doing haftarot?
I don't think you are being judgmental.
You have every right to feel funny about this.
However, if your synagogue does not have an official rule about this there is not much you can do except suggest to change it.
You should not feel hypocritical since this is a question of standards.
According to the standards of the movement you affiliate with -the Conservative movement- traveling via car or public transit to shul on Shabbat is permitted under certain circumstances, intermarriage is not. This is something that unfortunately that some Consservative Jews in their desire for for outreach to the intermarried have forgetten, according to the Conservative movements own standards INTERMARRIAGE IS 100% FORBIDDEN! Even if you were to adopt a more Orthodox point of view that there is something wrong with you travelling on Shabbat, you are only doing the averah at that particular time; someone is intermarried is in a constant state of sinning and denying God and the Torah by their actions. I'm not saying that your congregation SHOULD deny him aliyot, but the idea that maybe they should is not so out the question. I used to be Conservative before becomeing Orthodox and I definately remember some C shuls in the 1990's having official rules that someone who is intermarried could not get an aliyah. And this also included someone married to a patralineal Jew or married to someone with a Reform converion.
I even now of Orthodox shuls that are lenient about giving aliyot to people who break Shabbos but draw the line at the intermarried.
No, the conservative movement does not permit driving to shul. It permits driving to the nearest shul. Shira chooses to go beyond shuls within walking distance to go to a preferred shul. read the actual t'shuva, such as it is, and educate yourself. She's as much in breach (or more so) than the intermarrying guy, since her's is an issur d'oraita, and his isn't.
According to the Chofetz Chaim marriage to a non-Jew is an issur d'oraita.
Also Shira often takes public transit, which according to most is an issur d'rabbanan.
Wow, where do I begin?
Good points (with my responses interspersed among them):
Jendeis--"why would you turn away someone who is trying to be more observant?"
elf's DH--"Unless your shul rejects everyone for honors who breaks Shabbat, eats non-kosher food, etc., there's not much you can do and not be selective."
TOTJ Steve--"And, you never know, the reception you give the spouse may lead her toward conversion."
For the record, I don't remember ever having seen her in synagogue, though I was once introduced to her in the neighborhood. I'd be happy to have her "join the family."
Miami Al--"if he's the youngest of the people in the congregation, who is he a bad role model to?"
Oy, don't remind me.
"Yeshiva educated intermarried men [Al, how did you know?] get heavily involved in a Conservative Congregation because the service is the same, but the societal expectations are night and day."
chava--". . . why do you spend so much time bemoaning the state of your congregation? How is that helping?
There are no idyllic synagogues, where everyone davens at your speed, and everyone shows up on time, and everyone is nice, and you get to be both the leadership and be supporter by stronger Jews.
. . .
True.
"If you are so tired of your problems, go to a new place and find new ones."
For the record, my husband wants to stay put until after he retires, and I can't blame him, since the majority of his tax and accounting clients are within walking distance of our apartment. So moving won't be an option until summer 2012.
"I understand that you may just being using your blog to vent, but it's starting to turn into "why can't everyone be as awesome as me" on a regular basis."
I've really been trying to avoid self-righteousness. Apparently, I'm not doing a very good job. That's yet another sin for my Al Chet list. :(
I've also been kvetching (complaining) about my shul not only to vent, but as a balance, since I've received previous complaints that I focus too much on the Orthodox community, of which I'm not a member--it was suggested that I post more about what I know. Apparently, that's not working too well, either. I'm not quite sure how to keep my readers happy. :(
Colleen--"There are many of our people that decide to become secular, so welcoming a person to a shul whether you agree with them or not is going to help us as a people."
" just sayin . . . said...
I'd point out that from an halachic standpoint, his intermarriage, as odious as it is, is less problematic than say, being michallel shabbat b'farhesya (publicly desecrating shabbat) by traveling on public transportation. So, perhaps you should give up doing haftarot?"
Ouch.
Anon 9:47 AM--" . . . if your synagogue does not have an official rule about this there is not much you can do except suggest to change it."
Under the circumstances, even my husband wouldn't be happy adding such a rule.
Anon 10:13 AM [Nu, pick a name! Too many anonymi. :( ] --"No, the conservative movement does not permit driving to shul. It permits driving to the nearest shul. [True.] Shira chooses to go beyond shuls within walking distance to go to a preferred shul. read the actual t'shuva, such as it is, and educate yourself. She's as much in breach (or more so) than the intermarrying guy, since her's is an issur d'oraita, and his isn't."
Sigh. Guilty as charged. The Conservative t'shuvah does not permit me to travel when there's a shul within walking distance.
Anon 10:38 AM [too many anonymi!]--According to the Chofetz Chaim marriage to a non-Jew is an issur d'oraita.
Also Shira often takes public transit, which according to most is an issur d'rabbanan."
Not sure it matters. Both are assur (forbidden).
Wednesday, August 25, 2010 clarification:
Neither my husband nor I has ever "turned away" anyone who wished to worship in our synagogue. The issue in question is whether giving an aliyah or haftarah to a person who's intermarried is appropriate. I apologize for the belated nature of this correction.
Your correction clarifies the situation better. I wasn't sure what the situation was specifically, so that's why I had said so many of our people become secular and to welcome intermarried people to the shul. Since the guy is welcomed by people at the shul then I take back my comment.
I would say then that your shul on a whole needs to decide if someone who is intermarried can have aliyot or read from the haftorah. The shul I go to is similar to your shul in many ways. The majority of people are 50 or over ad many are 60 +. There are very few younger people especially my age of 24. It's more traditional. There are some intermarried people at my shul; there's at least one person that I know of that bring her 9 year old daughter with her and they come almost every shabbat. I guess the ritual committee would need to decide whether they want to do something or not at your shul.
Bylaws. official rules governing issues such as this are important for just this reason. "It's not about you, it's what our bylaws say we can/can't do in this kind of situation."
Unfortunately, we have no current rules governing who's permitted to have an aliyah or chant a haftarah, other than that an aliyah is given to Jewish adult males only, and a haftarah is given to Jewish adults (male or female) only. If we passed new bylines restricting the participation of intermarried Jews in the Torah service, the target would be pretty obvious at this point. I'm afraid that it's a bit late to do that without chasing away a fellow Jew.
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